People needlessly standing on the bus. Seriously, unless you are only going a couple of stops, just sit your ass down if there are the seats to accommodate it. If you stand on a bus, you are – quite simply – in the way. A gratuitous obstacle for those of us getting on and off. A pain in our recently seated asses. An egotistical maniac.

Businesses not letting you use the toilet. One of the many negative by-products of unbridled capitalism is the acceptance that everything has to have a monetary price. Is a pub really going to be at a disadvantage if they let you use the toilet without buying a drink? Not being a customer means that I have to piss myself? Cheers fellow humans. As if it is our fault that we need to do this completely normal and natural thing, as if we have complete control over its occurrence, as if they risk us smearing shit up their toilet walls or something. Just be nice. Jeeze.

Crowd surfing. I am probably going to come across as a boring old mardy fart here, but surfing the crowd at a gig is neither big nor is it clever. And, dickheads, it is actually rather dangerous – for the surfer and for us, as we are forced to support your entire bodyweight with our necks at a moment’s notice. The goofy grins of pure enjoyment on your faces are – I am afraid to say – not even a slight consolation for suffering a tatty converse clad sweaty foot smashing into my face as you tumble over and through me. Just stop it.

Is it to much to ask that we enjoy music in an orderly fashion?

Cars starting to go on amber as you’re crossing. I never really noticed this lunacy prior to having a child. I was always over the road before the red man got another look in; however, my slow coach five year old can sometimes cause us to be still crossing when the green man skedaddles. And quite a number of fuckwits start revving their engine, or even go round us, as their lights go to amber. How much time are you saving as you sacrifice your right to be left behind after the cull I have been planning? Five seconds? Ten seconds max, surely? Perhaps a minute then, once you’ve done that at six pelican crossings, burning rubber past small children, the elderly and the disabled. Bonkers.

KEY not kway. I have never pronounced the word quay incorrectly out loud but I do so EVERYTIME in my head, so it is only a matter of time before it happens with my actual mouth and I am quickly thought of as a moron.

Food packaging. Comedian Rhod Gilbert talks at length about this in a hilarious bit of stand up and he is right about it being ridiculous. It is such a waste too and it forces the customer into buying needless packaging, a lot of which is not even recyclable. Is it that difficult to buy two loose potatoes, rather than the two in plastic? Not that the customer is always right, of course. I have seen people putting a single onion in a small plastic bag. Seriously, get a grip and take some responsibility for keeping this world half-decent.

“Who died?” I feel as if this is the Russian Roulette of the clichéd mindless saying world. Whether you say it to a glum looking stranger or a good friend in deep thought, there is actually a decent chance that someone has, in fact, died and your sarky comment will be well and truly regretted. Also, who has a resting face that includes a smile anyway? What. Is. Wrong. With. People.