Preparing a pomegranate
If someone walked into my kitchen just after I had finished scooping out the edible parts of a pomegranate, they’d think that I had viciously massacred a small mammal.
“Why are you 45 minutes early for work?” “I got bored at home.” A genuine interaction between my brother and a work colleague. INSANE. I’ve heard people – who do not like their job – say this kind of thing a lot – “What is the point in been off work, I’ll just be at home on my own,” they inexplicably tell me. Unless you don’t like film, telly, books, making things, playing things, listening to music, sitting and relaxing, learning something new, going out to explore a new part of the city or another city and have also got no chores to do, I just don’t understand this. Seriously, if you cannot fill your time with anything – anything – that you do not deserve it. Please find a way to give it to me; because I will gladly fill it with worthwhile activities.
Hatred of celebrities
The level of venom I see from people about the likes of Chris Martin, Bono, Ben Affleck, and other such famous humans (who these haters have never met) has always left me feeling uncomfortable. Sure, critique of their abilities is fine, or if a celebrity is a proven twat that’s fine – I understand people criticising Harvey Weinstein for being a rapist, for example, or Johnny Depp for being a wife beater. But it is often not about anything like that; it is always for no particular reason and made all the more shocking when the same kind of venom isn’t directed at a politician who stokes hatred of immigrants, or a mass murderer. Instead, the hatred is about the way she dresses or because he helps promote fair trade or because they call their kid after the city they were conceived in. Priorities, people, priorities.
It certainly isn’t the only bothersome word or phrase to emerge in the English language recently, but it is the worst.
Locker pound coins
I cannot see the point in needing a pound (or pound-like token) for lockers. Some would argue that it makes people not keep the key (and thus locker) for themselves. But is a pound coin really preventing that? My own locker at the leisure centre would be well worth a pound investment, to be honest. Also, look at it this way: you’re investing a pound either way – you’re just having to take it away and bring it back every time with the current nonsensical and antiquated system.
This might seem obvious to any sane readers. The average person would not throw litter in the street, I’m presuming, but once at some kind of event – say a gig or the cinema – this baseline etiquette goes out the window. No doubt, because people think there is someone who will clean up after them directly after the event. Still not cool, though, is it duckys – sort it out.
Good music, bad lyrics
So you’re enjoying a catchy tune by an artist/band you like and then they mention God or Jesus. Perhaps they’re not being literal, but what if they are? Do you still enjoy the excellent music? Where is the line drawn? What if you’re enjoying an excellent guitar riff and then the singer starts harping on about how great Hitler was? A musical minefield. Perhaps best just listening to instrumental music.
Businesses not letting you use the toilet
One of the many negative by-products of unbridled capitalism is the acceptance that everything has to have a monetary price. Is a pub really going to be at a disadvantage if they let you use the toilet without being a paying customer? I am not a customer so I have to piss myself? Cheers fellow humans. It is as if it is our fault that we need to do this completely normal and natural thing and we have complete control over its occurrence. Just be nice. Jeeze.
Cars starting to go on amber as you’re crossing
I never really noticed this lunacy prior to having a child. I was always over the road before the red man got another look in; however, my slow coach five year old can sometimes cause us to be still crossing when the green man skedaddles. And quite a number of fuckwits start revving their engine, or even go round us, as their lights go to amber. How much time are you saving as you sacrifice your right to be left behind after the cull I have been planning? Five seconds? Ten seconds max, surely? Perhaps a minute then, once you’ve done that at six pelican crossings, burning rubber past small children, the elderly and the disabled. Bonkers.
Comedian Rhod Gilbert talks at length about this in a hilarious bit of stand up and he is right about it being ridiculous. It is such a waste too and it forces the customer into buying needless packaging, a lot of which is not even recyclable. Is it that difficult to buy two loose potatoes, rather than the two in plastic? Not that the customer is always right, of course. I have seen people putting a single onion in a small plastic bag; I have seen people putting a purchased felt bag into a plastic bag at the checkout. Seriously, get a grip and take some responsibility for keeping this world half-decent.